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I'm really ready to sever ties with my brother. I know he's under stress from Mom's stroke, but I think he piles on to his problems by being overly anal retentive about it.
So Mom got weak again this afternoon--- I know it's not another stroke, she's just sick from not drinking water and probably anxiety from tomorrow's chemo treatment.
Rene got mad at me when the rehab center called an ambulance to take my mom to the ER and I said, "Oh no." He swatted me (light enough, the cops would laugh if I filed a report for assault) but it's the principle of the matter. He has the balls to tell me to calm down but it's ok for him to take a sissy lash out at me? I'm sick and tired of him. As in, it's mid July and I'm already dreading Christmas when I have to see him again, sick of him. I've contemplated going to a motel-- I'd rather be lulled to sleep by hookers having sex in the next room or junkies shuffling around the parking lot than be in the same house as that kid. Amanda offered to let me shack up with her and I'm about ready to give away my dogs and 3/4 of what I own, books and all, and pay her rent to live with her from now on.
The only thing stopping me is I feel super bad for my mom and dad. They say they need me. Rene will be gone, not soon enough, but when he's gone then Dad'll only have me. Mom's asking about me right now in the hospital and I will not tell her what I'm writing here-- it would kill her.
So as of now, with one week to go before I go back into work, I'm basically an emotional wreck. Dad also said that my brother finds it insensitive of me to go out with my friends while Mom's going through this & I agree...if I was blowing off visiting hours to go with my friends. Yes, I did take a day trip to Balmorhea to go swimming in the man made lake and eat dinner at an old hotel in Van Horn. But I blew off hiking in Cloudcroft, and other day plans to run errands for Dad or see mom. And when I got out with friends, it's after 9:30 p.m. when Mom goes to sleep and we leave the rehab center anyway. So if I'm not with my friends, then I'm just at home watching TV or streaming crap on YouTube.
Last night after leaving the hospital Araina invited me to Whiskey Dick's for a drink. I went but lied to my Dad telling him I'd be visiting a coworker who lives in the area. He'd have gotten pissed if I told him I was at some country-wannabe honky tonk. That and just one Jack and Coke got me tipsy enough that I had to ask Araina to drive us to Village Inn for food so I could sober up before driving home.
I know I asked this in my last post, but again....is it inappropriate to be going out with my friends after I visit my mom? I think I need the relief. As it is, I'm worried to death that I'm going to return to work stressed and worried. I worry that I might fuck up in class or start crying at work again like I did at the end of the year. I'm worried about getting fired or passed on to a shittier school in the district if I don't do my job well. Or is the right thing to do is just be homebound after visiting Mom?
To play devil's advocate: My brother might be stressed/jealous because he left all his friends in CA. He has no one to go out with. He went on FMLA so he's not getting paid, he sold his stocks to get more money but things didn't go as well as planned with that. Yet I think he chooses to wallow in worry. If he wants to go to the movies by himself or buy liquor and get shitfaced in the yard, he's more than welcome to. I wouldn't mind taking over his duties for the day. I know he accuses me of doing minimal to help but you want to know why?
Nothing is good enough for him or it has to be HIS way. That's why I take books when I visit Mom. I'm afraid to speak to her because I might say something wrong and upset her. Maybe talking about sunshine and daisies might upset her. Nothing is good enough for that asshole. I'm contemplating calling the suicide/depression hotline. I'm away from my brother right now but just thinking that he has to come home eventually is upsetting me.
So Mom got weak again this afternoon--- I know it's not another stroke, she's just sick from not drinking water and probably anxiety from tomorrow's chemo treatment.
Rene got mad at me when the rehab center called an ambulance to take my mom to the ER and I said, "Oh no." He swatted me (light enough, the cops would laugh if I filed a report for assault) but it's the principle of the matter. He has the balls to tell me to calm down but it's ok for him to take a sissy lash out at me? I'm sick and tired of him. As in, it's mid July and I'm already dreading Christmas when I have to see him again, sick of him. I've contemplated going to a motel-- I'd rather be lulled to sleep by hookers having sex in the next room or junkies shuffling around the parking lot than be in the same house as that kid. Amanda offered to let me shack up with her and I'm about ready to give away my dogs and 3/4 of what I own, books and all, and pay her rent to live with her from now on.
The only thing stopping me is I feel super bad for my mom and dad. They say they need me. Rene will be gone, not soon enough, but when he's gone then Dad'll only have me. Mom's asking about me right now in the hospital and I will not tell her what I'm writing here-- it would kill her.
So as of now, with one week to go before I go back into work, I'm basically an emotional wreck. Dad also said that my brother finds it insensitive of me to go out with my friends while Mom's going through this & I agree...if I was blowing off visiting hours to go with my friends. Yes, I did take a day trip to Balmorhea to go swimming in the man made lake and eat dinner at an old hotel in Van Horn. But I blew off hiking in Cloudcroft, and other day plans to run errands for Dad or see mom. And when I got out with friends, it's after 9:30 p.m. when Mom goes to sleep and we leave the rehab center anyway. So if I'm not with my friends, then I'm just at home watching TV or streaming crap on YouTube.
Last night after leaving the hospital Araina invited me to Whiskey Dick's for a drink. I went but lied to my Dad telling him I'd be visiting a coworker who lives in the area. He'd have gotten pissed if I told him I was at some country-wannabe honky tonk. That and just one Jack and Coke got me tipsy enough that I had to ask Araina to drive us to Village Inn for food so I could sober up before driving home.
I know I asked this in my last post, but again....is it inappropriate to be going out with my friends after I visit my mom? I think I need the relief. As it is, I'm worried to death that I'm going to return to work stressed and worried. I worry that I might fuck up in class or start crying at work again like I did at the end of the year. I'm worried about getting fired or passed on to a shittier school in the district if I don't do my job well. Or is the right thing to do is just be homebound after visiting Mom?
To play devil's advocate: My brother might be stressed/jealous because he left all his friends in CA. He has no one to go out with. He went on FMLA so he's not getting paid, he sold his stocks to get more money but things didn't go as well as planned with that. Yet I think he chooses to wallow in worry. If he wants to go to the movies by himself or buy liquor and get shitfaced in the yard, he's more than welcome to. I wouldn't mind taking over his duties for the day. I know he accuses me of doing minimal to help but you want to know why?
Nothing is good enough for him or it has to be HIS way. That's why I take books when I visit Mom. I'm afraid to speak to her because I might say something wrong and upset her. Maybe talking about sunshine and daisies might upset her. Nothing is good enough for that asshole. I'm contemplating calling the suicide/depression hotline. I'm away from my brother right now but just thinking that he has to come home eventually is upsetting me.
